Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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