i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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