We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
