I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
