he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
