If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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