apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
