Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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