I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
