By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
