My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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