I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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