So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
