I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
