I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
