she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Small penises have feelings too.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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