Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
