Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
