Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Someone signed my nipple.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
