got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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