The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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