So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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