Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My dick has a subreddit
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
