I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
