i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
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I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
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My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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