just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
