my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
