I feel great
I just peed on a car
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
