my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
