mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
