I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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