So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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