Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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