I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
