Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
