She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
