If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
