so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
