remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
