Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You are a genius and a whore.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
