wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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