btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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