she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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