My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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