I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
