apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
