I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
