please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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