What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
