just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
