Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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