he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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