Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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