I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
