I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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