Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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